Thursday, September 21, 2006

New Diet!

Have a special event coming up - class reunion, company party, hot date - and you need to lose 10+ pounds in two days? Think it's impossible to do it? I've got the diet for you!

Don't waste time trying to eat zero carbs. No exercise needed. No grapefruit. No diet pills. This is 100% natural and guaranteed to work!

What can this wonderous thing be? How is this possible? Have I found some alternate dimension where two days here is two months there? How much does this cost? And is it from Ronco?

First the price. It's FREE! That's right! No cost, no shipping, you pay nothing. Are you interested? Want to know what this is? Ok, I'll tell you. It's called...

The Stomach Flu!

That's right, nature's own little bug that grabs your stomach, twists it inside out, upside down, in a zillion knots, then makes you empty everything that was in there. But that's not all! After you have emptied your stomach, this wonderous bug won't let you eat anything else! It'll make you want to sleep for at least one day, maybe two. During that time this bug is still going strong and won't let you eat a thing.

Yes, you'll feel a little weak, won't be able to go dancing all night without passing out, but isn't that a small price to pay for dropping that weight quickly so you can look good for that special event?

How do you catch this fantastic bug? That's the tough part. You can't just go to your local pharmacy and buy it. There are several ways you can get it though. Find someone who has it and let them breath on you. Find an area where this bug is spreading and visit a doctors office or a school, preferably with kids in 2nd grade or less who's resistance is low but bug carrying ability is high. Wander around shopping malls looking for people coughing and follow them trying to get some of their cough to land on you.

So remember, the next time you need to drop some weight really fast, go looking for The Stomach Flu!

Seriously, our family caught this thing and it was nasty. I RARELY throw up. I mean I'll roll around on the floor fighting it for hours until I don't have to throw up. This time I started feeling a little bad around 4pm, and by 6pm I was seriously puking! An hour and a half later, puked again. I could NOT hold it back! Finally I slept. Felt like I was going to throw up again at 10:30pm, but didn't HAVE to. So I fought it and won this time! Ate a tiny bit of a cracker and that settled my tummy. I slept through the night, got up, checked my email, 15 minutes later was out again, woke up at lunch for an hour this time, and crashed again. I didn't eat anything that day except a few crackers, drink some Fresca. Finally ate a burger at night and slept all night, and was able to go to work Thursday. This was bad, but I did drop 10 pounds. Of course I don't have any energy and am ready to sleep for two days, but it was nice that my pants were a little looser. LOL!